The smell of stale coffee is flooding my nostrils as I enter the kitchen. The kettle sits on the stove, forgotten there, from a week ago.
You also left a week ago.
I left it there, not because I want to remember our last coffee together from that Thursday morning. From the two of us, I am the only one who drinks coffee anyway. I left it there because you were the one dealing with the little things. Cleaning, washing, keeping things in order. Not me, I deal with the big ones.
Work, events, projects, writing, impact, involvement, and the goals I have set myself that I still want to reach.
But for the little things you did, I would give anything right now.
Or in fact, I wouldn’t give anything. Although I do say, quite often, that I wish I had time to waste, time for me, for friends, for the lost, one night stand love, for you. And I do say I do not want to lose the people I love, as I didn’t want to lose you, but I can’t give up. Do you remember? How you always used to tell me to give up? Through gestures, small ones, through looks and feelings, never through words because you knew I could not accept someone telling me to leave my passions behind. But you were asking for my attention, always, because you needed me to be there, but I had no time. My attention went into my work.
But between fleeting deceptions and smiles left rapidly on the go, you decided it was not enough. And I don’t blame you for that. After all, it would not be enough for anybody.
Who would actually want a person like me? At first sight, everybody. Ambition, enthusiasm, perseverance, determination, charisma, always almost perfect, always chasing perfect. Those kind of people who make you curious about them, who make you want to get to know them. Until you really do get to know them, or you spend your time waiting, frustrated that they never really let you know them. Because there is no time for other people, sometimes even for them. That is where it hits you, where you figure it out that all the qualities come with emptiness and some cold, though soul that’s chasing success, not love. That 5 minutes break of each day is most likely to be used for the coffee in the morning that make them survive the whole day. That’s all.
I would not ask you to come back, I would not even search for you. And don’t get me wrong it’s not because I could not make a sacrifice. It’s said that, for those we truly care for, we find time and free our busy schedule, no matter what you have to do. But did you notice, I filled it with whatever I could find. In the beginning, it wasn’t like this. You used to be one of my priorities, I used to go out with you at night, after work, and go on road trips on the weekends. You were, as some would say, almost happy. Almost, because I started to slowly run and embrace what I truly love the most, work.
Therefore I wouldn’t search for you, because I know you would be better without me. Because I couldn’t make enough time, until the end, because I didn’t love you enough.
Not as much as I love what I’m doing.
So I ran, as fast as I could, because love for another person does not change the entire world. Love for the world you want to change does. And yes, I do want to change the world.
I am sorry, or I am not, for wasting you time, for making you wait for something that was never going to come, as I was running after dreams and success.
And maybe one day you will find someone who will sit in one place, with you. Maybe I will find someone who will run with me too.
But today smells like coffee. I wash the kettle, I start doing little things too, in a hurry of course. I take my purse, I leave fast to where countless hopes, dreams and goals take me.
It’s half past five in the morning. You’re not awake yet. You would never wake up so early. I used to just let you sleep, without looking at you, or watching you sleep, I was in a hurry.
Don’t be surprised if you happen to find me in the newspaper this morning. I’m changing the world.
With love from,
Someone who never had time.